Obama Aides Indicate He May Tell Truth
By Joe Giambrone (9/14/13)
(Washington) In a radical departure from official White House policy, unnamed sources within the Executive have suggested that President Barack Obama may be preparing to utter true statements, sometime in the short term.
Uncharacteristically candid revelations hint that bypassing the wall of secrecy and over classification of intelligence may be necessary to sway skeptical Americans. Polls of the President’s truthfulness have fluctuated from 62% trustworthiness in 2009 to 0.62% today, a difference of two levels of magnitude. Individuals who trust the President’s statements are largely confined to state mental health facilities, making interviews difficult to obtain prior to publication.
The estate of President Richard Nixon weighed in on the matter, coming to the defense of the President. “When the president does it, that means it is not illegal,” said a Nixon spokesman. President Obama, hoping that Americans’ recollections of the disgraced Nixon have faded, after nearly half a century of revisionism, welcomed the move as a legal defense against charges of perjury, lying to congress, propaganda, deception and fabricating false flag terrorism in the Syrian conflict.
Asked why America was so intent on aiding and abetting the Al Qaeda offshoot Al Nusra Front, which is technically designated a terrorist organization by the US, the president responded, “You’re off the script.”
A scuffle in the White House press room led to one journalist being removed by black clad security personnel without explanation. Off the record, several of the reporters present recall hearing gunfire shortly afterward, although none could give any more detail.
In lighter news, America’s beloved freedom fighters have liberated a second Christian village in Syria, and have promised not to behead any of the infidels who refuse to convert to Sunni Islam. The President praised this development as a positive sign that the Syrian Jihadists are coming out of their 7th century mindsets and perhaps moving forward into the 8th or even 9th. Mr. Obama said that such historical progress cannot pass without a moment of reflection and congratulation to the heroic Syrian rebels.
Obama’s Director of Imperial Marketing, whom some of the journalists present suspected of being a DARPA developed robot drone in humanoid form, said, “East Asia has always been at war with Oceania.”
Cryptic news indeed, as the reporters struggled to identify the two warring nations on their Smartphones. Obama’s Marketing Director then pointed to Youtube as proof that, “Syria bad. We good. Syria bad. We good,” repeating the phrase for several minutes until a group of technicians entered the press briefing to remove the Director in mid utterance. Such odd behavior led some to question the spokesman’ humanity, leading to a new raft of conspiracy theories floated out across the web.
The administration, sensing a probable public relations imbroglio went into damage control mode. The President appeared on a large video teleconference screen, staring down at the journalists in a formidable posture.
“Oceania has always been at war with East Asia,” said Mr. Obama. “That is your top headline story, and so you be sure to type it out correctly.”
The visibly shaken press corps dutifully nodded in unison.
The President continued, “Our administration is only capable of telling the truth. Write that down.”
The President issued his directives, and we are happy to report that God has smiled on our glorious land, an exceptional land of happiness and joy. All is well, as it always is in our land of greatest freedom where our beloved President looks out for us, and would never lie to us. Such joy it brings to report this good news to you, dear readers. Enjoy your wonderful day of supreme elation, knowing that we are right and just and good. President Obama has made that quite clear.